Untitled Sitcom Script - by Alan Driscoll and Claire Jeddou
INT. BAR
Two comedians sit at the back of a bar, waiting for the comedy night to start. Alan is using his laptop.
ALAN
She's online, should I message her and invite her down?
CLAIRE
Don't do it.
ALAN
But she'll be able to see that I'm online, and know that I'm not messaging her.
CLAIRE
Exactly. Wait and see if she messages you.
ALAN
I actually feel like I have a genuine connection with this person that transcends that whole dating etiquette bullshit.
CLAIRE
You've had one date with her.
ALAN
It's not about how long you know someone, it's about how you spend that time. We got very intimate.
CLAIRE
You mean you banged her?
ALAN
We didn't just sleep together.
CLAIRE
Are you about to say that you didn't just have sex, but you made love? (smirking)
ALAN
No. I mean sexually, we didn't just sleep together.
CLAIRE
So how far did you get with her? All the way? Third base?
ALAN
Fourth base is sex, right?
CLAIRE
Yes.
ALAN
OK, then let's just say we got to fifth base.
Kate enters.
KATE
Hey guys.
CLAIRE
Alan got to fifth base.
KATE
Congratulations.
CLAIRE
What is fifth base anyway?
KATE
I thought fifth base was sex.
CLAIRE
No, fourth base is sex. There's only four bases.
KATE
That doesn't sound right. First base is making out. Second base is when they feel your tits. Third base is, you know, fingering. So fourth base is oral, and then fifth base is sex.
CLAIRE
There is no fifth base. There are only four bases. Have you ever seen a baseball field? It's a diamond, with four corners. Each corner is one base.
KATE
So what are the four bases?
CLAIRE
OK, kissing is first base. Second base is fingering. Third base is oral. Then fourth base is sex.
ALAN
You've missed out tits.
CLAIRE
Tits isn't a base.
ALAN
Tits is second base. You can't have fingering as second base. That's third base.
CLAIRE
No, fingering is second.
ALAN
Anything where the genitals are involved is third base. You can't skip straight to genitals at second base.
CLAIRE
Yes, you can. Fingering is second base, then third base is oral, or "everything but sex".
ALAN
Yeah, exactly. Surely that includes fingering? Any time there's a vagina involved, but you don't have sex, that's third base. And tits is second.
CLAIRE
You can't give tits a whole base. Men don't have tits, so what's second base for a woman?
ALAN
It's when you get your tits felt by the guy! But women don't think in these terms anyway. The whole base system is from a guy's perspective. It's about how far he gets with a woman.
CLAIRE
I'm sorry, have we time warped back to the 1950s? Are you seriously suggesting that men run the market on sexual desire? Women crave sex too, you know. And we probably would even more if men weren't always catering to their own bat and balls.
ALAN
Simmer down, Germaine. We're talking about baseball! Women don't even play baseball.
CLAIRE
I played softball for eight years on a diamond with four corners. If it had 5 corners it'd be a hexagon.
KATE
Pentagon.
CLAIRE
Whatever. There's only four bases.
ALAN
But I got to fifth base!
CLAIRE
What the hell is fifth base?
KATE
Anal?
Ethan enters.
ALAN
Did we just summon you by saying the word 'anal'?
ETHAN
Who had anal?
KATE
Alan did.
ETHAN
Congratulations. Are you sore?
ALAN
I didn't have anal, either giving or receiving. That's not what I meant by fifth base.
ETHAN
Anal isn't fifth base.
ALAN
Yeah, it's like first base to you. That's how you say hello.
ETHAN
You wish.
CLAIRE
So how does the gay base system work?
ETHAN
We don't really play much sport.
CLAIRE
OK, you're not helpful; answer me this, then. Alan got to fifth base, whatever that is, with a girl on a first date last night. Please tell him that he shouldn't be Facebooking her yet and inviting her to his gigs.
ETHAN
The rules are a bit different for the gays. We all hook up on Grindr so Facebook isn't really where the action is.
KATE
What's Grindr?
CLAIRE
It's like the gay version of Tindr.
ETHAN
Only without all the dating pretense masking the sexual intent.
KATE
So it's just for sex?
ETHAN
Pretty much.
ALAN
So it is quite literally a market of male sexual desire.
Claire punches Alan on the arm.
ETHAN
Pretty much. Anyway inviting dates to gigs can really go either way.
KATE
Yeah, it's a total double-edged sword. If the gig goes well, you look super sexy and impressive. But if you bomb, it's excruciating. No-one ever gets laid after bombing on stage. It's hard enough to persuade them that you were just having an off night, and that they should still see you again.
ALAN
I'm not worried about her seeing my comedy.
CLAIRE
You should be.
ETHAN
Reeowr.
CLAIRE
Anyway, I take your point about gigs. But don't you think he should leave it a while before contacting her on Facebook?
ETHAN
Probably not. I only really use Facebook for stalking former lovers and posting selfies.
ALAN
You're such a stereotype.
ETHAN
Blow me.
ALAN
You wish.
KATE
Alright, if you guys are done flirting, the gig's about to start. Lets find the MC to see when we're on.
ALAN
Oh, she she just went offline.
ETHAN
That settles it then. Our public awaits!
(Everyone rises to leave)